Blog Posts
Surrender
Lent Reflection 2024
…Something like the cleanliness of my house or the neighbors’ behavior or what someone thinks of me, or the athletics schedule. From deep inside of me comes the notion that if I can control my circumstances, then I will achieve happiness and freedom which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
In fact, the opposite is true. Only when I have finally been able to let go of my circumstances, have I seen pieces of life fall into place. Conversely, I have seen balanced parts of my life come crashing down because I have grabbed onto them again, squeezing with white knuckles. This need to let go and is actually an ongoing, lifelong process. Letting go means SURRENDER which is the idea of giving up one’s self to another. What we acquire when we surrender to Christ is abundantly better than what we have when we hold tightly. We receive the freedom to not be in charge all the time, to not be perfect, to not always have to be right, to not always have to look after ourselves, but instead to be looked after by a perfect parent. The love of a parent is refreshing. “Come unto me all who travail and are heavy laden and I will refresh you.” (Matt 11:28)
Let go
Lent Reflection 2023
…I have been worried about Noah, lately. He is obsessed with trying to be perfect. It blinds him to learning things that are true, making friends, and experiencing joy. This morning our stubborn personalities collided and I thought we might blow up the house with the sheer emotion of it all.
It seemed to take me until Good Friday to finally let go of all my stuff. I attended Maundy Thursday service at my church during which we remembered the night of Jesus’ last supper. I participated in footwashing and it was uncomfortable. At today’s Good Friday service, I participated in the veneration of the Cross, during which we drew near to a cross and remembered the sacrifice Christ made for me and it was uncomfortable. There was beauty in the discomfort that finally allowed me to remember that Christ has made a place for me where he reigns and nothing else matters. What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun? (Eccl. 1:3)
No, on my own, I will never be enough of a mom, wife, friend, daughter, volunteer, teacher, etc. However, Christ has already been enough for me. He is enough every day. Consequently, in Him I am enough. It was during the Good Friday service that I finally exhaled and rested. There are a finite number of things that I can do for my kids. I can feed them and teach them and love them and pray for them, but it is the Holy Spirit who ultimately works in their hearts and wins their souls for Heaven.
Just as I need to stop trying to help my kids solely through my own willpower, I pray that Noah stops trying to be enough on his own. It’s exhausting trying to be perfect–exhausting and an exercise in futility. I am content to realize that I have been saved by a God who is big enough to deal with me, and I can rest. When fears are stilled, when strivings cease. My comforter, my all in all… (In Christ Alone/Gettys)
One of my favorite exercises as of late has been thinking of what the phrase, ‘Let Go’ actually means. I have found success with it in changing the channel of my mind from a worry, obsession or vain thought and turning it to something good, true or peaceful–something like prayer, scripture recitation, singing or even just deep breaths. I have also found myself able to let go when I think of what I can control vs. what I can’t control. With this exercise, I can focus my efforts on the things I can control, rather than spending time thinking about the things I cannot.
This is just a random little sample of the lessons I’m learning right now. Hoping you find peace, rest, a strong Savior and truth in your Holy Week, and joy in your Easter morning.
Peace
Advent Reflection 2022
…which I define as rest. If I can rest in the Lord and truly trust Him, then I have joy in my current situation. And, if I find joy in the present, then it’s easier to have hope in the future. And a person who has hope, can then turn their attention–either inward or outward–to pouring out love.
I start with peace because I find it very difficult to attain. As I think about the health issues my family and I have had to deal with both recently and in years past, I think about God’s sovereignty… in retrospect. I definitely couldn’t (or wouldn’t) see it in the moment. However the situations turned out on earth, I know that they all worked out in a way that didn’t surprise God. I don’t believe God causes bad things to happen to his people, but I do believe he allows them to happen, and ultimately turns them around for good.
A lot of things in life besides illness can be like that, too–difficult to accept God’s sovereignty in the situation at the time. I am thinking metaphorically about teaching my kids to crochet. We had to go through all the misplaced, split stitches that turn into knots and bobbles and uneven edges and, honestly, it makes my left eye twitch a bit. However, I know that was what my grandmother dealt with 33 years ago when she taught me how to crochet. Crocheting is a craft that can bring joy and beauty into the world, but it starts out as a tangled mess.
Anxiety was another part of life in which it was difficult for me to see God’s sovereignty. The victories I’ve experienced started with a lot of drudgeful, uphill-all-the-way work, but that work is finally paying off. Early work on whatever we are living out (raising children, crocheting, healing and life in general) seems to be thankless and difficult. Thankless and difficult are painful. Consequently those are the times when we need the most rest and reliance on the Lord, but I think that’s when it’s the hardest to trust Him. We can’t see the goodness yet–only He can–He who doesn’t live in time, but can see our beginning, middle and end right now.
Sometimes, I ask other people to lift up things that are thankless and difficult to the Lord gfor me because I am too discouraged to do it myself. (Genius move putting us here on earth in community, right?) My dream is to be able to let go of the drudgeful, thankless and difficult things and be able to rest in the Lord by trusting Him, even while the hard things are happening. Surely I’m not the only one. Wishing you time to pray for yourself and others. And wishing you peace during this last week of Advent and beyond.
More Healing
October Reflection on Anxiety...
…
After all, I have done lots of counseling. However, it was almost like going to another counselor and getting a second opinion. Nothing I learned in these workbooks went against what I learned in counseling. If anything, it “sealed in” my lessons better.
In his book about anxiety, Minirth asks questions about your life. Through my answers I was able to discover some obvious and some unusual roots to my anxiety! This was helpful because it shined light on them. You may already know this, but problems have a strange tendency to GROW WORSE when they are left to fester in darkness.
The biggest surprise for me–that won’t be a surprise to anyone else–is that having children caused some of my anxiety. In fact, children caused a whole new level of anxiety. Why was this a surprise? Because I love those three hooligans so dang much I never thought they could ever be the cause of anything so negative. Nevertheless, as I went through this book, I was remember dozens of times when people commented about how stressed I must be because I have three boys. I didn’t know what they were talking about, but now I do.
To be clear, it has nothing to do with who my three children are–they are all incredible, beautiful souls. It has everything to do with being a mother to three other humans. It has everything to do with being forced through this transformation during which I began as a child with no dependents and ended up a grown woman with three dependents. Three dependents I care about so deeply, I would deny my own self-care in order to care for them or make them happy. In other words, it’s just what we Moms do. Since discovering this stressor, I’ve been able to see that I’ve repressed this whole level of my anxiety and turned it inward. Therefore, when I am stressed out about my kids, I often believe that I’m dying. (Weird, right?)
After working through the first half of the book and discovering/rediscovering the roots of my anxiety, Minirth lists the symptoms of anxiety both in thought and behavior. This was helpful because it brought more awareness to my own life. It also helped me see that anxiety is an overarching term that pretty much every human being experiences at some point in their lives, even if it isn’t chronic like mine. From anxiety comes worry, panic and a slew of other disorders. For example, one of the symptoms of anxiety is this mysterious feeling that something isn’t right and something must be done, even if it isn’t clear as to what that thing is.
Finally and fortunately, Minirth ends his workbook with his concluding thoughts. These include his ideas about how to deal with, let go of, fight against and defeat anxiety using boundaries, good choices, accountability and–above all–scripture! I was even able to draw some new connections between scripture and my own life that I had never seen before. One verse that I now love is Romans 12:2: “And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.” This helped me draw the connection that just because I think something is true doesn’t mean that it is. I’m so excited for these new scriptures and tools that I have used to continue my healing from anxiety.
The Real Secret to Success
February Reflection...
…The encouragement came from a sermon at my new church, and I hope you find it encouraging, too.
The sermon began with the acknowledgement that we are all sinners. ‘If we say we have not sinned, we deceive ourselves.’ (1John 1:8) The preacher pointed out that it’s important to embrace ourselves where we are, right now, as the sinners we are because that is what Jesus does. He also pointed out that verses like, ‘for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,’ (Romans 3:1) are for every single one of us. When we include ourselves in such a verse and recognize that the text applies to us, then we stop pointing our fingers at other people. I appreciated that because it seems like a recipe for avoiding the judgment of other people. We live in such a judgey society, that it seems unbelievable that Jesus tells us not to judge anyone else–ever. ‘Do not judge, or you too will be judged.’ (Matthew 7:1)
A sidebar in my adventures in mothering: Last week, my kids asked me what it means to judge someone else. I thought that was a fair question. I told them it was declaring someone else good or bad based on what we think of their behavior. And it doesn’t mean we have to think that everything everyone does is great and wonderful, but we leave it up to God to decide whether or not they are a good or a bad person.
Back to the sermon: Remember that we embrace ourselves as the sinners we are, and once we do that, we can embrace the sinners around us. Now, we can actually be thankful that they are with us on this journey so we can give each other support and encouragement!
The last part of the sermon I’d like to highlight is when the preacher said to stop looking for the next big secret to success. There are none. There are no tips, tricks or shortcuts through the Chrsitian life. Just a slow plodding through it with the Holy Spirit and some other sinners by our side. That made me think of John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress. What a beautiful allegory for the Christian walk. It is another place to find encouragement on these long winter days–both the literal ones and the metaphorical ones.
When we were told to stop looking for the next secret to success I felt another weight lift off my shoulders, because I tend to do that. When I go down that dark scrolling-on-the-internet path, I think a lot of what I’m doing is looking–even perhaps subconsciously–for the next secret to success. Realizing and remembering that there isn’t one is quite freeing. This part of Sunday’s message made me think of our family verse which is Philippians 2:13: ‘For it is God who works in you both to will and to act according to his good purpose.’ I love this verse because it reminds me that I’m not going to make something of myself–God is. That is another freeing thought. It is not our job to make something of ourselves. It is our job to seek first God’s Kingdom and his righteousness each day.
Here’s hoping that we find freedom from judgment and self-judgment, freedom from (false) secrets to success and freedom from expectations we put on ourselves. ‘It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yolk of slavery.’ (Galatians 5:1)
Advent Reflection
Help...
I was feeling isolated, having a hard time accepting my day-to-day tasks, felt discouraged and I was also not getting out of the house, much. I read a post on Instagram from Sissy Goff. It said, “Six Truths You Need to Hear Today.” Number five read, ‘More help is coming.’ And I felt relief–Sissy is right. At the end of church we used to say, “Come quickly, Lord Jesus,” because we know he is coming back. And when he comes back he’s going to redeem everything. More help is coming. I whispered it to myself. Sometimes I long for help. Sometimes I don’t even need someone to do anything, just be there with me. I read Zephaniah 3:17, “The Lord God is with you, he is Mighty to save. He will comfort you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing.” And I felt better. The Lord is with me, so I am not alone. He is mighty–which means he is capable of helping me no matter what I’m dealing with. He comforts me, like a parent comforts a child, and (amazingly) he rejoices over me because he delights in me.
Sissy tells me that more help is coming. Zephaniah tells me that the one who is coming is mighty enough to help me. So this month, when I feel discouraged or worried, I have really been focusing on ‘Lift[ing] up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth.” (Psalm 121:1-2.) Lifting up my eyes has meant that sometimes I literally go outside and look up at the sky, but mostly it means that I actually remember to pray. When I pray, I pray for peace and joy–two fruits of the spirit that I feel are lacking in my life, mostly because of worry. If you are a regular reader, you know well that I have struggled with worry my whole entire life. As an adult, I have finally begun to gather some puzzle pieces and work toward growth. From the growth, I have learned that the opposite of worry is trust in God. And I think trust in God brings about joy because the burdens of this life are not ours to bear alone. The joy of this companionship produces peace that passes understanding. Peace that can be found in the midst of swirling turmoil. And I think a person who feels helped also has hope for the future. As you journey through Advent, 2021, may you lift your eyes to the hills and receive your promise of help. May that promise bring you joy, peace and hope from a God who loves us perfectly.
October Reflection
Anxiety...
Do you know what happened? The onrush of anxiety came back twice as bad. And then I realized that I was allowing myself to be a sitting duck. I was not fighting. I was sitting. It made me think of the times the Isrealites fought the Philistines and it made me think of David and Goliath. God was with the Isrealites, but they picked up their weapons, marched out and fought. And God was with David when he volunteered to take on the giant, but he put the dang rock in the slingshot and shot it. The people with whom the Lord dwells don’t sit passively and do nothing. And neither do I–about anything else in my life. But with my anxiety, I just sit.
Today was the first day that I fought back. It was terrible. I felt like a big weirdo who was basically talking to herself. But in counseling I have learned that there are different parts of us. And one thing is for sure, the critical/worry-producing part of me is VERY LOUD and the self-nurturing part of me is very quiet–almost absent.
So it was interesting.
And I’m feeling pretty proud because in this moment I am experiencing no physical symptoms of anxiety. I feel proud and thankful and relieved. Another clue. Another puzzle piece. Another step forward. XO.
What To Do When You’re Fighting A Monster And You Forget Your Sword
Part Two...
When we got home, I finally told John, “I’m exhausted from my worry.” I had been reading a light-hearted women’s fiction book that I picked for the trip. One of the characters was dealing with some internal/thought challenges. She reached a point of frustration and said, “I’m done. I’m done with letting all of this hold me back. I’m sick of myself.” [My paraphrase] I asked myself, can it be that easy? Can I just decide that I’m done with anxiety? My suspicion is no, but I’m using that idea as a launching point for an experiment.
I asked my counselor to help me develop an, “I’m done” statement to memorize. I am thankful that she started the statement with a prayer.
Throughout this process of decision and memorization, I couldn’t help thinking of John 5:6. In this story, Jesus heals a paralytic. What strikes me about verse 6 specifically, is the strange, but important question Jesus asks the man. He says, “Do you want to get well?” I passed over that verse many times, but then it stood out to me one time. What a strange question, Jesus. Of course he wants to get well.
But I think it’s not that simple.
I think we do this as people.
I think we hold onto our sin and ailments because they give us a sense of comfort, all the while keeping us imprisoned.
My statement memorization is, in a way, my attempt at answering Jesus’ question with a, “yes.”
Possibly for the first time ever.
The lightness I have experienced over the past several weeks has been freeing and nothing short of joy. I am encouraged and hopeful, but also too much of a cynic to believe that I will never struggle with anxiety again. I am going to continue in this hope. And, if nothing else, be grateful for this time of freedom that I have right now.
What To Do When You’re Fighting A Monster And You Forget Your Sword
Part One...
Quick as a blink I was signed up for counseling again and I’m loving it. Counseling is where I get my tools (or weapons, really) to fight against anxiety. I think part of the reason why it’s been so long since my last post is because I haven’t really had any ‘nifty ideas’ to share. I’ve been struggling and working through it. But I thought it might be encouraging to share about that, too. The reason I share is because I very much hope that it will help someone reading.
At first, I was discouraged that I needed to go back and that my ‘go-to’ tips and tricks were no longer working for me. But it makes sense, doesn’t it? As we grow and change as people we need new tools that work better for our new selves. Before, my tips and tricks seemed to focus on tricking myself into not worrying and distracting myself with good things. This time I have been focusing more on grounding myself in reality and calling things what they are.
I hope that if you are reading this and you have gotten to the point where you say, “This is hard. I’m having trouble functioning. I need help.” that you have the courage to go get it. If you don’t know where to begin, ask a friend (or your insurance company) for a counselor recommendation.
Wishing you an anxiety-free, grateful hearted, positive thinking kind of day.
The Family Motto Blog
A little humor to get us through...
1) Just Eat It
2) Don’t Make It Miserable.
You might already be able to imagine how Family Motto #1 came about. At any given moment on any given day at any given meal or snack, someone has opinions about something. (Salad is gross and makes me gag, I don’t like fish, my soup is too hot, I hate fried rice, chicken is my least favorite food, etc.) and it is always followed by a question that melts my brain. (Do I have to eat my salad? Do I have to eat my fish? Can I have something else to eat? How many bites do I have to take? etc.) Sure, I may have an answer for it now, but in the moment, my primary concern is how do I get some manner of nutrition into my children besides graham crackers, nutella and cookies?
Then we have meal-time shenanigans that my children always want to show me. They proudly grin and want to boast of their cleverness, ‘Hey Mom, Look!’ And then I proceed to see some deplorable behavior that involves food play or something else unsanitary. (Child has a raspberry on every finger. Child has beans stuck in their face to look like monster teeth. Child has a smile made of fruit. Child swings spaghetti like a lasso. Child builds with food, writes with pasta, etc.)
Then we get into the bizarre quirks that nobody should do-ever. (Examples: Child peels 11 grapes before beginning to eat lunch. Child saves minced raisins and nuts from within a bagel. Child saves soggy dried fruit from cereal. Child extracts chunks of fruit from yogurt, etc).
Just… no.
So what we digress to is mayhem, goofiness, meals that last for hours, gag-worthy messes that only a mother can clean up properly, brothers who laugh until they choke on their food, and the inability to converse like a human. And then one glorious day, I realized the solution to alllllll off our mealtime problem:
What if everyone at the table just… ate. their. food?
I know, a radical idea for hungry people sitting down to share a meal together, but that was the desired goal in my heart. So no, whenever someone asks if they have to eat their salad or says “hey mom, look,” or asks how many grapes they are allowed to peel, I no longer have to spend the time, energy and emotional effort to come up with a way to redirect my children. No answer is actually needed, I simply remind them to refer to Family Motto #1 which, thankfully, they all know by heart.
Case closed.
Family Motto #2 arose from the constant peppering of parents with pushy questions. I call them, ‘needy-greedy’ questions. I think the best way to explain this is with an example. Ezra and Joey and I go on a walk pretty much every day as part of the physical education portion of their homeschooling. One day, Ezra and Joey asked if they could bring their favorite stuffed animal on the walk.
Sure.
Then they asked if they could bring their backpacks to put their stuffed animals in.
Sure again.
Then they asked if they could bring their water bottles in their backpacks with their stuffed animals in case it got hot on their walk.
Sure?
Then they asked if they could bring a toy for their stuffed animal.
I hesitated and didn’t know how to answer the question.
Then they asked me if they could bring a fifth item on the walk.
That’s when alarm bells started going off in my brain and I realized that they were finding a way to make a walk in the neighborhood miserable. Little children would make fantastic salespeople. From my minimal experience in sales, you are supposed to ‘go for the, no.’ Which means you are supposed to pepper people with questions, getting them to make one purchase after the next and don’t stop asking until they tell you, ‘no.’ That’s what my kids do. I find it miserable. (And I don’t do sales anymore.) I got out my soap box and gave a speech to the whole family. In our family, when you ask a question of your parents and you get an affirmative answer, be grateful…and don’t make it miserable!
Case closed.
Ezra finally asked me what a motto was. I told him it was a short phrase to live by. A short summary of an important belief that you or a group of people can get behind and support. I gave him the three musketeers example: ‘All for One and One for All.’ He got this disbelieving deadpan expression on his face and said, “Mom? Our family mottos are ‘Just Eat It,’ and ‘Don’t Make it Miserable.’
I know, kid. It’s humor to get us through…
I Approve of Myself
A reflection on self-affirmation...
…positive thinking, lately.
“If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part where would the body be? ” 1 Cor 12:17-19
I don’t know if I approved of myself until this past summer. As in, for thirty-five and a half years, I did not approve of myself. I have always enjoyed human expression through the arts, which means I basically found my value in applause. (Yes, like Tinkerbell). I was a people pleaser. Then I grew up and got married and moved to the south. I thought I had problems before. The south can be a scary place, because there are buckets of people just waiting to make you into someone they approve of. I didn’t know.
To make matters worse, I started engaging with social media. I have noticed two messages on social media in contrast to my self-approval mantra: One is, “I don’t want you to approve of yourself so I can capitalize on your insecurities and sell you this product.” And the other is “I don’t approve of myself, so I am going to jump through all of these hoops to make myself look like a version of who I wish I was.” I am just learning about all these photography filters, and lights, and programs and processes a person can go through to make themselves look a certain way. I didn’t know! I just thought I wasn’t good enough.
And to further highlight my problems, I had children. Children are precious little people that become terrifying mirrors in which you begin to see all of your own issues. I found myself having a heart to heart with Noah, one day, reminding him that it was okay to make mistakes. This has been a hard lesson for me to learn, but absolutely essential to finding approval for myself. If I make myself believe that I have to be perfect, then I will either lie to myself and convince myself that I am perfect or I will be a constant failure because I cannot live up to that expectation. If you think that people can be perfect then you have missed a great truth in life. There was only one man who walked this earth and was perfect and he died for us so we don’t have to be.
Accepting mistakes and imperfections is a huge part of self-approval. I remember the freedom I felt when I finally let go of trying to be perfect. I was 29 when I finally did it. Nevertheless, even with freedom from perfectionism, there are still challenges to achieving self-approval. One is I am not only not perfect, but I am growing and changing every day. So I have to accept and approve of an imperfect, fluid concept.
But I think it’s important to do so. If we never approve of ourselves, then we never learn what we like. And if we never know what we like, then we can never pursue things that make us happy. This leaves us miserable and lacking self confidence. And I do not think that is what God wants for us. He loves us like a dad and he wants us to be happy. And I know He approves of us and wants us to have confidence in ourselves so we can be His hands and feet here on earth. (Psalm 103:13-14) God made us all different. He made us so we all have different likes and desires. When we know what makes us happy, it will give us the opportunity to serve God in the way we were meant to–using the skills we have and the things that bring us joy to help others.
How can God approve of an imperfect, incomplete, fluid and growing person? I’m glad you asked.
“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”1 Cor 13:12
In the past thirty-five years I have either learned or admitted that I like tea, sweatpants, sarcasm, moving my body, human expression through the arts, country music, bright colors, meaningful gifts, hugs from my family, savory food, clothing that is sometimes a little bit trashy and literature with happy endings. And I finally approve of all of that!
God is making me who He wants me to be through my experience with life here on earth, but I am only a reflection of what I will be when I am sanctified and become my full self. For me, that means I am going to revel in who I have become up to this point, and keep becoming the person God has planned for me to be, and I am not going to avoid becoming that person or try to be someone else.
We need to be unapologetically us, not someone else and not someone our culture says we should be.
I Am Capable
Another reflection from the anxiety chronicles....
Basically, my self-esteem was made of mashed potatoes. While I earned credit toward being a responsible and successful human in the ways of academics, arts and good life choices, I and my credits were sinking.
I first noticed it right after getting married and moving to Texas. As often happens in life, you and your spouse may not be home at the same time all the time. However, I started wondering if something horrible would happen to me because he was gone. I had thoughts like, would someone break into our apartment? One night when John was leaving for a rehearsal, I could barely let him go, and while I was speaking to him, a voice in my head asked the question, “Who are you, Sarah?” Who was this person near tears because her husband was leaving for a rehearsal? Who was this person who was afraid to be by herself? Who was this grown woman who was basically afraid of the dark? No one I recognized.
I started thinking about things that I worried about–and there were a lot. My counselor helped me begin to deal with the anxiety right away and it felt great. It wasn’t easy, but it was manageable and so helpful. What was harder was the fact that she also wanted to address the fact that I did not like myself. She made me come up with a list of ten positive things about myself. I asked if I could ask other people for help and she said no. Well, it took me over a month to come up with ten things. She told me to read them every day and add to the list. I think that was the beginning of me discovering who I was.
Fast forward eight years. By then I had two kids. I had been in and out of counseling during this time, mostly for continued help with anxiety. I realized that I had forgotten about the ‘10 Positive Things’ list. I realized one day that I was a grown-up and still barely knew who I was. What did I like? What didn’t I like? Why did I like or dislike stuff? Who were my friends? I think it kick-started some sort of weird (and kind of awesome) teen rebellion that I missed out on when I was an actual teenager.
I haven’t gone out to do drugs in a cornfield or anything, but I’ve had these moments of pause. I have found myself in the midst of doing something that I just dread, and I thinking to myself… “Why am I doing this? Would I rather be doing something else instead?” And it has brought me so much joy. God uses our loves, interests and desires along with our skills to serve Him. I had convinced myself that God was only interested in me using my skills to serve him, regardless of how I felt about my work.
Psalm 37:4 says “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I take delight in the Lord when I see the children He has created and placed in my family. I take delight in the Lord when I am allowed to participate in the arts and encounter human expression. And I take delight in the Lord when I spend time outdoors in nature, revelling in His creation. I don’t have to volunteer downtown, start a non-profit or join a multilevel marketing firm (all things that I have considered or tried) because those things do not bring me joy. For years I believed that I had to be truly miserable in order to be doing God’s work, but that was a lie.
So I’m no longer scared of being alone. I actually think it’s kind of fun sometimes. One of my positive thinking mantras that I often tell myself is, “I am capable.” And it reminds me of the truth that I am living the life God has designed for me, and because He has designed it for me, I am capable of living it. He designed it for me because He loves me, and because He loves me, I ought to love myself. Therefore, my self esteem is no longer made of mashed potatoes. It has made my recent accomplishments, while much less visible to others and much less remarkable, mean so much more than the accomplishments I achieved when I disliked myself. They land on me, build me up and I don’t sink into mashed potatoes.
Friends: We have been given this life because we are loved, and because God believes us capable of living it. And because we are loved by God and because He believes in us, we ought to love and believe in ourselves.
Quarantine Reflection 6
If anything is excellent or praiseworthy...
This is the scripture I’ve been reflecting on this week. It came to my mind at a time when I was feeling particularly down. I had been doing some research and came across an article which highlighted one of the many issues our world is struggling with these days. I could feel the weight of the issue on my shoulders. Then I started thinking of some of the other issues our world is struggling with and then circled back around to Covid-19. By then I just felt rotten. And for whatever reason this verse came to mind, along with the truth of the situation. First, a bit of encouragement: We can always make a difference in the world by keeping our attitudes positive and showing kindness to others. And second, a bit of relief: I don’t have to try to solve all the world’s problems by myself, thankfully. None of us does–that’s God’s job. So rather than using my head space to list out the world’s problems and worry about them, a much better use of my time is to list out some thankfuls and reflect on the story of the gospel.
Wishing you true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy things to think about this week.
Quarantine Reflection 3
Fearfully and wonderfully made...and full of happy hormones
I also learned that thankfulness produces oxytocin. I think it’s fascinating and wonderful that we can change our body chemistry by creating a list of thankfuls.
One of my counseling exercises was to write out a few “thankfuls” each week. I liked the results so much that I have carried it on into my daily life, and now I write at least five thankfuls in my journal every day. For me, it seems extra important that I do this faithfully throughout our quarantine. I’m hoping that this might be a way some of us can care for ourselves until we are back in our communities. It’s hard being a human. We didn’t come with a manual, but I do know that thankfuls produce oxytocin, and oxytocin makes us happy. Oh also–I learned in counseling that any “I am…” statement is powerful in affecting your thinking, so I have turned my thankfuls into I am statements.
What are you thankful for? Here are some of mine from this past week:
1) I am thankful for walks.
2) I am thankful for Ezra’s half-birthday.
3) I am thankful for our newly transformed office.
4) I am thankful we have enough food to eat.
5) I am thankful for coffee (I won’t tell you how many times over a month I write this one down!)
6) I am thankful to be home with my family.
Wishing you a week filled with thankfuls and oxytocin.
Christians Don’t Have Anxiety
A reflection on anxiety and counseling
I will acknowledge that worry is a sin. But has anyone ever sinned once, repented and then never sinned again? Of course not. Humans struggle. We struggle with the same sins over and over again. Through counseling I finally gained the tools I needed to properly repent (or turn from) my sin, daily. Beating anxiety is a battle. If you showed up to a real battle with no tools and no training you would not succeed. In fact, you would die immediately.
When I began my search for tools and training. I decided that a good place to start would be to figure out the opposite of anxiety. I thought maybe if I could fill myself with whatever the opposite of anxiety was, maybe I wouldn’t have so much room in my brain for anxiety. As I reflected, I came up with words like peace, calm, and tranquility. Then I saw a framed George Mueller quote that said, “The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith, and the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.” That resonated with me. I put that information into my ‘anxiety opposite conundrum’ and came up with, ‘the opposite of anxiety is trust.” That made me think of my youngest–still a baby when I saw that sign. At his most peaceful, he had just nursed and was about to fall asleep. He had trusted me with his need for food and my fulfilling that need allowed him to trust me more and fill his belly. So then I asked myself, what do I trust in?
Fortunately for me, I trust in a big, strong God. One story that helped reinforce this trust happened recently. My friend Cindy was flying standby with her husband to Dallas. It was one of those situations where if she didn’t catch the flight she was waiting for, she’d miss the connecting flight to Dallas and all of her commitments that were waiting for her there. She got to the full airport to find a line of people waiting for standby for this very flight because of several previously cancelled flights. As some of the latest travellers to arrive, she and her husband seemed to have no chance of receiving a seat or making their connection or getting back to Dallas anytime soon. So she began to worry. Then, for seemingly no reason whatsoever, the gate attendant called their name. They had received seats on the flight. Cindy said after she sat down in her seat on the airplane, she realized she never didn’t have her seat on that flight. Because God is sovereign over everything–big and small. Sovereign over creation of the universe and seats on airplanes. So the only part of the whole story that was unnecessary was her worry. One of my favorite things to remind myself of now, is, “Cindy never didn’t have her flight.” It reminds me that God is sovereign and therefore trustworthy, and worry is unnecessary. (And because I’m a grammar nerd, I enjoy the double negative.)
Now I know that the way to fight my anxiety is to trust in God, but what does that actually look like? For most of my life I would ask my friends and family for prayer about my anxiety. I would ask for prayer about all of the things I was worrying about, but I would never actually pray about them myself. It seemed that, for me, step one was actually telling God what I was worried about. Step two seemed harder. I had to figure out how to trust God for the rest of my whole life and choose to never worry about any of the things that come up both now and in the future. I didn’t think I could swing that.
So I did an experiment. I told myself to trust God with my worry just for today. What if I gave up worrying, just for today, with the promise that I could pick back up and start worrying again tomorrow? It turns out that this is a cool trick. Here’s why: It’s much less daunting to think about trusting God for a day instead of always for the rest of my life. And the super secret idea behind the little trick is this: Each morning I choose to trust God just for today, the “tomorrow worry”never actually comes. With this little trick, I have experienced a great many victories over anxiety. Is it a sin to choose not to worry today, and to worry tomorrow instead? I think no. This is dying daily to our sin. In fact, I actually believe this may be the true meaning behind scriptures like Matthew 6–Do not to worry about tomorrow–each day has enough trouble of its own.
Upon further reflection, I began to wonder what worry actually accomplishes, anyway? Nothing. Literally, nothing. Well, actually, worry makes you sick. Worry produces cortisol, a natural steroid, in your body. Too much cortisol –even the natural kind–can cause symptoms similar to if you were taking regular steroids. These symptoms include things like jitters, lack of sleep, weight gain, compromised immune system and more. Therefore, if you have a stressor in your life and you choose to worry about it, then you have to deal with the stressor while you’re also sick. Not helpful.
Sometimes, worry sneaks up on me before I can stop it. So I have come up with a plan. First, I pray and tell God what I am worried about and ask him to take it from me. Then, I ask myself what I want to do about the stressor. I make a list of the things surrounding the situation that I can control, and focus on those things. The stressor often comes with a list of ‘what if’ statements. I replace the what ifs (usually by writing in my journal) with positive thinking mantras.
Here’s a hypothetical example: Let’s say you’re worried about getting a job. “God, I acknowledge that you have my best interests in mind and you love me. Please help me get a job that is fulfilling and uses my talents well.” Next, you can take care of the things you can control. You can get your resume and portfolio as complete as possible, practice interview questions, purchase or borrow a slick and appropriate interview outfit and be on time. Then, you can record and cross off your what ifs. “What if I’m not qualified? What if they don’t like me? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I never get a job? Finally, replace them with “I’m capable, I’m qualified, I can be friendly, I am prepared, I have done great work in the past, etc.” In following this plan of prayer, control and mantras, you replace the most negative thoughts with the positive thoughts, do your best at what you can control and let the rest go.
Remember the lie I told myself? That Chrsitians don’t need counseling because they have God? I’m glad I figured out that was a lie. Christians absolutely do need counseling. Christians are people and people get anxiety. Anxiety is a result of worry, and worry is a sin. We need tools to help us learn ways to stop worrying and turn from that sin. Arm and train yourself for battle. If you’ve ever lied about this to yourself, I hope you try counseling. Counseling is great. Let’s do this…
**To read about some of the tools I use to fight anxiety, check out my other article on anxiety [HERE]. To read some of the self-affirmation mantras, check out my instagram, sarahhendricks213.
Quarantine Reflection 2
The Sweetness of Doing Nothing...
I prepared a hearty snack including some homemade rolls and brought it out to our back porch, next to our fire pit. Then I invited John and the kids to join me out there. The kids ate, then ran off to play leaving John and I together to talk to each other…in complete sentences! It was a little bit magical.
While I don’t think the Italians necessarily came up with this by meditating on scripture, it seems very biblical to me. It is a proper picture of sabbath rest. It reminded me of the Ecclesiastes Bible study I did with some friends.
“So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.”
Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 NLT
I’m trying to incorporate this mentality into our current situation. I’ve been baking a little extra and trying to see some of this home time as carved out rest–rather than a prison sentence. (Any other extroverts out there?! )
Anyway, I’ll include the link to the website I read in case you want to incorporate any “Dolce Far Niente” time to your quarantine. I would love to hear about what foods you center your time on if you choose to try it, so feel free to send me a message.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/7-ways-to-experience-the-sweetness-of-doing-nothing_b_9073248
Excuse Me, Could Someone Please Get the Elephant Off My Chest?
A reflection on anxiety and counseling
When I am plagued by worry, I feel like it grips me and there is a physical tightening across my chest. Eventually, it grows and feels like there’s an elephant sitting there. I feel beaten and powerless. I realized that I was worrying about big things as well as things that didn’t matter. For example, when I say things that don’t matter, I mean that I was worrying about upcoming conversations, my schedule, unfinished chores and little nagging responsibilities that mostly just contribute to my own convenience and comfort. Regardless of whether or not the worry was big or little, I started having physical reactions to it. Specifically, I began having migraines. Migraines are real, physical things that have real symptoms and real causes, and can be triggered by different things. Mine are caused by hormones and triggered by anything–often worry. The migraines scared me. Then I would worry about the initial worry-thing and my migraine. I would eventually turn the worry about any situation into worrying about my health. This made everything worse.
I thought I was powerless against worry. That was a lie. I am so much better now. I have become mentally stronger over time. I want to tell you what helped: Counseling.
Counseling.
Counseling.
Counseling.
My whole life I perceived a negative stigma about counseling. No one I knew ever wanted to have to “have their head shrunk.” The first time I went to counseling was when I took advantage of the free session offered to me at college. “He’s going to tell me I’m completely nuts and he’s concerned and I’m going to end up in a straitjacket by the end of the session,” was what I thought. To my surprise he validated the feelings I shared with him and I never felt more sane. I thought to myself, “That was kind of awesome, and maybe I could try it again sometime.” Thankfully I did, and it changed my life for the better.
Here are several things that help me over and over again in this fight for positive thinking:
- Variation. This is the easiest one for me, so I am going to start here. Sometimes, I want to control everything around me, so adding variation into my life is helpful. If I change up my regular schedule and try new things it provides me with a healthy mix up. Letting go of the need to have an identical schedule every day is freeing.
- Awareness. It is extremely helpful when I can actually identify when I am worrying. Let’s say while I am hypothetically driving in the car, I am trying to plan every minute of my next hour so I know what to expect. Let’s say I am trying to create a script for my upcoming phone call. Let’s say that I am attempting to anticipate the other person’s responses. Let’s say that I am asking ‘what if’ about next weekend’s plans and making back-up plan A, B and C. That is all worrying. Once I can identify when I am actually doing it, I can begin to change my thinking. I often turn my mind to something positive, like scripture memory or thankfuls.
- Mantras. When I become aware of my worry, I replace the worry with a positive mantra I prepare in advance. I prepare them in advance because it is not reasonable to expect myself to create positive things to tell myself while I am ‘in the moment.’ (Remember the elephant?) The mantras are things like,
I can let go of worry.
I can let go of worrying about _______ <finances, insurance, illness, job hunts, etc.>.
I am capable.
I can handle this.
I am strong, fit and healthy.
*A special note about this one: I felt like a fraud when I came up with that mantra because I wasn’t sure if it was true. I shared my concerns with my counselor. I said I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough, fit enough or healthy enough to use it. Thankfully, she told me that I am allowed to think any positive thought if it is helpful to my mental health–of course I could use it! In addition, after further consideration, I decided that even though this was going to be one of my mantras, I was still allowed to make it a goal that I get stronger, fitter and healthier every day.
I say my mantras when I am worrying, but I also say them when I am calm in order to train my mind. When I first started working through my worry, the mantras had almost no effect in the moment. I still could not change my thinking when I felt the most powerless. But I did not give up. I fought. I practiced positive thinking over and over again for years–11 years and counting. I see a marked difference in the amount of power I have over my thoughts and, consequently, my feelings. Thoughts affect feelings. Did you catch that? Because that is important: thoughts affect feelings.
- Trust. I was reflecting on what the opposite of anxiety was. Was it peace? Maybe. I realized that I experience the most peace and the least anxiety when I learn something new about God. These new things, or important reminders of God’s true character, allow me to trust Him more. If God is real, all-powerful, omnipotent and all-loving, then He really loves me, really has a plan for my life and my family and really will work everything together for good. If God is on the throne, then I can trust Him. If He is all that He says he is, then He is looking out for me.
- Embracing a new Identity: After shifting over to a more positive way of thinking, I had to figure out who I was if not a worrier with the weirdest, funniest worst-case scenarios for any given situation? I was concerned that if I didn’t have my worry, I wouldn’t be myself. My self-deprecating sense of humor and preposterous thinking used to get me a lot of laughs, and I really like making people laugh. I basically had to redefine my sense of humor. I had to learn to love myself for me, and hate the sin of worry. I had it backwards and was somehow loving my sin and hating myself. Whoops. Now, I try to first identify myself as a daughter of God and co-heir with Christ. I also consider the language I used in my humor. A quick word doesn’t have to be quick and self-deprecating.
- Truth Statements. These statements point out what I can and can’t control.
I can’t control what someone else says or does. I can’t cure someone else’s illness. I have a family member who was diagnosed with a crappy, incurable disease and my counselor and I finally realized how much mental power and energy I was spending on trying to control the situation. I was behaving like an ant trying to pick up a boulder. Those suckers are strong, but no matter what that ant does, it’s never going to pick up a boulder. That ant is to be pitied until it turns its efforts toward something it can control: like digging an ant hole, finding food, ruining picnics, etc. Me worrying about curing an incurable disease made me pitiable until I turned my mind to thinking about things I could control.
When I realized I was turning myself into a non-worrier, I had to change my language. If I continued to call myself a worrier, I would stay a worrier. Did you catch that? That is important, too: Language affects your thinking. Your mind believes what it is told over and over again—it just does. So now I tell people I am a recovering non-worrier. Recovering because I have been struggling with worry my whole life. When you do something for that long, it is not going to *poof* go away like magic. I have to fight against it every day.
So what are you telling yourself over and over again? I cannot get over how powerful it is to not only stop thinking negative, downward-spiraling, worrisome thoughts, but to replace them with positive, nurturing, healthy thoughts. I wish for you the courage to see a counselor at least once in your life and I wish you the courage to fight your anxiety every day. For more information about the mantras and truth-statements I use, check out my instagram:sarahhendricks213.